" Is it too soon to let her cry herself to sleep?"


as adults we say "im crying myself to sleep" to show the exent of our misery. We write it on suicide notes, say that to our lovers when they leave. Crying ourselves to sleep is never something that is a good thing.

Why do we assume its ok for babies? any babies, 11 weeks. 11 years?

Im 35 and i dont want to cry myself to sleep.

what is wrong with the world? i hate when Finn crys, and i know sometimes he has to, sometimes i just cannot get to him, but putting him in another room to cry himself to sleep??? what?

it hurts me to think it is ok. as adults, we dont do it. When we cry we want someone to come and comfort us, when they dont, we scream and cry that they dont care about us.

But our tiny babies...  lets leave them in the dark, without even the most basic "understanding" of what is going on. that makes sense.

more soon. xx

I still haven't spoken to kevin, but jamie has a few times. He is offering us the second house on the block too. So its a rental and owning our own home. we have been talking about it for years, but i have never felt really in a position to do it. it could be a great thing, it could also be a nightmare.

i will likely ring him tomorrow night and just ask about prices and start looking at how to finance it, what we can afford and all of those kinds of things.

Meanwhile Jamie and i are really getting down and getting our home together, its kind of exciting to think that soon all the repairs we will be undertaking will be for ourselves. I just really hope we can afford to do it. Jamie says he doesnt mind doing extra work. I think he is very proud of himself. His dad is also a tiler so its possible that we will be able to get work done for cheap, and jamie is pretty handy.

Most of me would love to get rid of the enclosed verandah upstairs and put the verandah back in. it would look beautiful, i would lose to bedrooms, but they are awful rooms anyway.

we are really working on egetting everything sorted, having a big sale and then being able to make the house function properly.

the plan is to make the call to kevin, see what he is asking. Get the house valued independantly, and get a building inspection. then we can negotiate a price and a price on the two. If kevin will finance me for the first five years, it should be easy.

tomorrow i need to claim the education tax refund, so that will be abit of money back in the kitty. Jamie won $1000 a few weeks ago and that paid for some bills that had gotten high. We are expecting abit of a return too.

All is going pretty well, thomas picked up his things and we have spoken on the phone, but i havent seen him yet. He keeps saying he will come around, but never does. He rings and talks to me, but doesnt ring for ceilidh.

Yesterday he said, i might pop round tonight, i say, ok will be home till seven as ceilidh is working (lights for another play), and he says, wait i cant M (chick he is staying with) is working late and i have to look after the kids. i was fuming and said ok!.

But really one of the kids is 16 and one 8, surely he could leave for an hour and come see ceilidh (i mean they live about 10 mins away. Grrr. anyways. Fuck him.

I go back to see the shrink on wednesday. its going to hurt financially for awhile, but i think i need it. I havent been eating well (gained a ton of weight) and am just generally losing my confidence. i mean i dont even ring people anymore. I feel like i come with so much baggage that people must hate me, so i just stay quiet.

so i am looking forward to seeing Pavan again, he was good for me it seems.

jamie and i are going well, seems like everything is getting calmer and nicer since thomas moved out. Ceilidh is just going wonderfully. She is getting high praise at the theatre and has been working with a professional director on this latest production, and word is getting around and coming back to me about how good she is. Switched on. Intelligent. just going great guns. The director she has been working with Cat, gave her a card on opening night praising her up, i cant find it to post an exact quote. Ceilidh has probably hidden it.  She has also been invited to go to a circus festival at the end of september with the theatre company.   http://www.liedertheatre.com/php/index.php

the silk cut exhibition opens on friday (Ceilidh is a finalist) and i am still not sure how i am going to get down there, or if me and jamie and ceilidh should go on the monday for a few days. see jamies mum and dad, and come back. that could work really well. if its timed right. http://www.silkcutlino.com/home.htm

Ceilidh raised almost $300 dollars for the 40hr Famine. She went without Jeans (she lives in pants) and wore a skirt for the 40 hours, and also went without food. I was very proud of her. She is also making up shoe box presents for charity. http://www.samaritanspurse.org.au/occ_08_shoe_boxes.shtml
She is very globally conscious, and i am extremely proud.

wow i ramble. 

Ceilidh has a new hair cut. Will post pictures tomorrow.
Finn is walking and trying to run.

more soon
xx s

in response to the actual song being posted, and now Finn is infected. He loves it in fact.

too cute not to share.

I am now completely freaked and want to move. Am calling  doc for blood tests.

*scared out of my mind*

Thomas emailed to say he would be in Monday (yesterday) and wanted to have a sit down with me. *sighs* So i fretted and stressed about it. Of course he did not turn up or email. or anything. WHat an ass.

Ceilidh was away for two days t the regional debating camp. They got knocked out early in the finals, but they learned a lot she says.

Finn is now really walking. Definately moving around more on his feet. too cute. He loves being outside and im trying to set up the yard more and more for him.

Jamie and i are talking about buying this house. thinking about it and will talk to my landlord this week.

more soon

xx

Im having a hard time of it today. I was supposed to go to sydney to see fiona, and i just couldnt make it. Money and finances and grief i guess.

Im angry at thomas, he still has not turned up to repay me the money he took $150, or collect his things which are on the verandah. He messaged Ceilidh on facebook yesterday. all smiles like nothing is happening.

Im breaking apart trying to figure out how to pay for everything. I get $12 a month from thomas in child support. *laughs* how stupid. He is fine with jamie paying for everything. even taking from me now.

Im so angry and hurt.

Ceilidh is off to the regionals for debating next week. im sure that will b about $100 or more. Plus her exhibition opening in early september. She needs new school clothes, and im now a week behind in the rent because of the money thomas took. Phone bill, electricity and gas, i just dont see how i will be able to pay it all.

My payment has been cut and i now owe money to centrelink (social security) because jamie is working again.

Much of this isnt thomas' fault, but i am bitter with him for what he has done. I have written a few emails to him, but i havent sent any of them, as i know i need to not engage.

Jamie has been great. Ceilidh me and finn will be fine. im just hurting.

I valued thomas and his friendship. and i know he has never valued me. or ceilidh. i can see that now. but it hurts that after everything. i am sure he is just bitching up a storm about me.

i dont want to cry anymore.

Thomas has broken me. and finaly i think i just cannot care anymore. It hurts and i have been told there will be some mourning to go through. i have valued his friendship over the years but unfortunately for me, he has not valued or respected me. at all.

I have explained to ceilidh that she is now old enough to have a relationship with her father without me involved. I told her that i could not stand by anymore while he disrupted our lives.

I also want to record some of the terrible things he has said recently.

Jamie: You know if you keep going this way you will lose Ceilidh
Thomas: That wont phase me, i didnt ask for this.


Me: You got pissed at her friends house!
Thomas: I dont fucking care.
Me: yes thats right you dont.

Me: you were supposed to help Ceilidh with her assignment on sunday.
Thomas: Arent you fucking capable??


Me: I was in the hospital, i had to take ceilidh with me in the middle of the night.
Thomas: Dont you have a fucking husband?
Me: yes he is being a very good father too Ceilidh.

When asked by Ceilidh about the money he took.
"your mum tends to exaggerate"

more soon. xx

Ive kicked thomas out. He clled. picked a fight and basically after much yelling and crying (i cried). i told him to fuck off. Jamie backed me one hundred percent. Ceilidh says she understands. Im in the process of turning his room into soemthing positive for me and ceilidh.

im going to post a seperate happy post.

xx

So Thomas has been living here for the past year and a half. (for those who dont know, he's my ex-husband). For the most part it has been ok. Thomas has been in many ways my best friend. But he is also my worst enemy. really.

His alcoholism is what broke our marriage. and now, sadly it breaking, or maybe broken our friendship. Its been 12 years since we seperated. I have been on the rollercoaster with him for all of those years. and i just cannot do it anymore. It hurts me so much. I feel like im cting irrationally, but i know im not.

He has been doing ok the last little while, a few benders, but not too much assholic behaviour. But now, i dont see how i can let this pass. He met a woman on an online dating site, Turns out she is the mother of a friend of ceilidh's, through both school and the theatre. He is older than Ceilidh an in year 11 as opposed to ceilidhs year 9, but they get on very well and do alot of the same plays and theatre groups. Essentially he is a good kid and quite a cool person.

I got a phone call on saturday night from him (i am assuming) saying that thomas was drunk and about to drive home, I told him i wasnt able to come get him, but that i would try calling his mobile. Thomas got the shits with me and hung up. I havent spoken to him since, though he was parked on our treet on sunday (asleep in his car) he made no effort to keep his date to help ceilidh with her homework.

He has my bank card, which i gve him the night he left to get himself $20 that i borrowed. So far he has drawn out 140$ I have been holding some money for him, so its not theft, but still. I fixed his car last week, and am using his money to pay for it today. But he is still supposed to pick up a new wheel.

Yesterday i got an email from him, saying he realised he had my card an would be home soon. He was in town yesterday (i believe he is staying with another alcoholic woman that he knows, out of town). But he did not come here or return my card. It seems that he did draw the extra $40 out though.

Yesterday the son fo this other woman, Gives ceilidh two dvd's that he left there. He hasnt said anything to ceilidh but im terrified that he has caused some kind of reputation blemish to ceilidh.

She works very hard to gain and keep peoples respect. She is a very good kid. And im terrified this being such a small town, that she will be tarnished somehow.

So far it seems not to have affected her. I have talked to her about it. she seems ok but is worried about thomas hurting himself. with reason after the train accident in 2004.

im just venting here really i need to get it out of myself. I have been extremely sick for a week now, Coughing so bad i cant always get air in. I have seen a doc who treated me like a junkie, and been to the hospital. they cant really do anything for it. and im breastfeeding s the limitations complicated by that.

I havent slept in days.

Ive been sick for a week now. i have a chest infection (at least it doesnt seem to be swine flu). Thomas is back on his rollercoaster. Im over it. he needs to go. going to ave the big talk about it, with ceilidh and him and jamie. work something out. Ceilidh is still disappointed that she wont be able to make the opening of the At competition that she is a finalist in. But she is definitely committed to her job in the theatre. I told her we would rally the troops and get people down there to come see it..

finn can hear me typing i think. more soon xx

Ceilidh has been chosen as a finalist in an art competition for a lino print she did at the begining of the year. I dont have the specifics, but its a national competition, and her piece will be displayed in melbourne for about a month in september.

unfortunately it looks like ceilidh wont be able to attend the opening as she has committed to a lighting job at the theatre, but she has asked me to go in her place, and says she will fly down two days later to view the exhibition.

i just dont even know what to say. Her teacher entered the competition and didnt even tell ceilidh. I havent even seen the piece. lol.

Amazing!

i am so very proud.

Finn now has 8 teeth, four on the top and four on the bottom. He has taken his first steps (video to follow). He is a generally happy little boy, growing up very fast. i turned 35. i dont feel a day over fifty. Ceilidh is an absolut superstar, having done had her first lighting job at the theatre and was requested for a second job, which they are rehersing now. She idd a forensic science course at sydney uni. (i have to remind myself that she is only 13). She has also been selected to go to a circus festival in bathurst in september. they will be performing a short fire show. Her mid year report was excellent.

i need to shower. more in a min.

two days ago i bought an ellaroo organic cotton hip carrier. its wonderful. it cost me $5.50.  Today i bought a beautiful babyhawk carrier (i have wanted a mei tai style carrier for ages, (have bought others but they have been quite small. this one cost me $8.50.  im so pleased.

i thrift or op shop just about everything.

photos to follow. i need to upload them.

xx s

he has been alittle cranky but nothing the boobie wont fix.
more soon.
xx

we knew he was sick. and getting sicker. he died at home. in his sleep. bless him.

i want to write a big long post about my history with greg. about how he called me his best friend. and despite all the shit we did to each other over the years. he was a good friend to me. i dont have the energy to do that post now. but this is to remind myself to do it.

i last saw him on thursday. i was racing out the door as he arrived, told him to make himself comfortable and that i would be back soon. when i got back he was on the verandah, cleaning my bbq. on saturday he died.

it seems so weird to me.

more soon.

xx s

more soon. xx

every dollar helps!

xx s

http://my.imisfriendraising.com.au/personalPage.aspx?SID=55188 

i will write some news later. im off to bed.